


Dead Man

by wasterella



Series: Of Men [1]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-18
Updated: 2016-01-18
Packaged: 2018-05-14 17:34:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,059
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5752132
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wasterella/pseuds/wasterella
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Even though this was supposed to be a stupid joke, all Eren could think about was how much of a dead man Jean was.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dead Man

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know where this idea came from, I found it in my idea folder from like, two years ago and figured, why the hell not? Took a lot of liberties, please excuse them. 
> 
> Shouldn't have written this right now, fuck you hand.
> 
> SNK © Hajime Isayama ; Facebook © Mark Zuckerberg ; Tumblr © David Karp ; Instagram © Kevin Systrom ; Jimmy Fallon © himself.

** Dead Man. **

How had this happened to him?

_Stupid question. Jean. It’s always because of Jean._

Eren shifted uncomfortably in the hard metal chair, clenching and unclenching his fists while looking around. He did his best to avoid eye contact with the man in front of him, which was a good thing because he was unsettling as fuck. Every time he happened to look at him, he just found those hard gray eyes staring back, watching him intently.

He never said anything. He just sat there with his arms crossed, one ankle resting on the opposite knee and gaze locked on him. Eren really wished he would at least _blink_  or something.

Clearing his throat uncomfortably, he brought both hands up to scratch at the left side of his head, hating that there was no clock in this place. How long had it been since he’d been brought in there? Half an hour? Longer? How long was his mother going to take? He just wanted to get this over with as soon as possible.

Casting another glance at the man in front of him, he found him _still_  staring and quickly looked away, feeling his palms beginning to sweat.

Jean Kirschstein was a fucking dead man when he got out of there. He was going to murder him slowly, bloodily, painfully. He was going to literally decimate him! It would be like the guy never existed.

 _Probably shouldn’t joke about that, considering,_ Eren Jaeger thought to himself with a wince, eyes rising to regard the other man once more. With his luck, the guy probably had weird mind-reading capabilities and given his current situation, that would only worsen things.

“You seem nervous.”

It was the first thing the other had said to him since they’d taken a seat, and Eren shifted his gaze back to him once more before averting his eyes. He offered him a shrug, knowing better than to speak right now.

Was he nervous? Yes, he was fucking nervous. Stupid Jean. Stupid meme. Stupid internet for creating it. What had he been thinking, anyway? It had been a stupid idea, he shouldn’t have given in to peer pressure. Now he was stuck in here with Mr. Intense-Gaze and he wanted to crawl into a hole and die right now.

Looking down at the metal table, he clenched and unclenched his fists, wanting to scratch at his wrists but knowing better. Instead, he just kept his eyes down and tried to calm his rapidly beating heart. He hadn’t done anything wrong, it was just a joke. A misunderstanding. He would just explain, and everything would be fine.

Hopefully.

A knock at the door made him tense before whipping towards it, the door opening and a police officer poking his head in.

“Mrs. Jaeger is here, sir.”

“Send her in.”

The officer moved aside and motioned someone into the room. Carla Jaeger hurried into it and Eren stood, feeling relief flooding through him.

“Mom.” He started to reach out to hug her, but the action was halted by the handcuffs he was wearing, so he just stood there awkwardly while she hugged him fiercely, clearly horrified and terrified to be walking into an interrogation room where her son was currently being questioned.

Well, not yet. That had been the delay and the past half hour of uncomfortable silence. Being a minor, the detective before him had been forced to wait for Eren’s parent or legal guardian to show up. With her now present, he could finally explain.

“Mrs. Jaeger,” the detective said, forcing Carla to release her son and turn to him. “I’m Detective Ackerman. Please, have a seat so we can talk.”

“What is all this about?” the woman demanded, though her fear was palpable. She took a seat, but was clutching one of Eren’s hands tightly enough for it to hurt.

He bore it. It was the least he could do for worrying her.

“Mrs. Jaeger,” Levi Ackerman reached to the left where a small evidence bag held Eren’s phone. He slid it across the table to her so she could see it. “Could you please confirm this is your son’s phone?”

She stared down at it, confused. “Yes, that’s his phone. I don’t understand, what is all this about? Why did you arrest my son?”

“That is what we are here to talk about,” was the detective’s response, hard gaze shifting to Eren.

“Look,” Eren insisted, raising his left hand in surrender and forcing his right one with it, which his mother still held. “This is all a _huge_  misunderstanding, okay? It was just a joke.”

“I’m not laughing.”

 _Probably because you lack a sense of humour,_ Eren thought bitterly, but he had the sense not to say that and just cleared his throat.

“Please, just let me explain.”

“Go ahead,” Levi leaned back in his seat once more, crossing his arms and leveling him with an unsettling gaze. “I’m dying to hear about this joke of yours.”

Jean was a fucking dead man.

* * *

**Seventeen Hours Ago.**

“It’s the new thing! It’s huge! How have you never heard of this?!” Jean demanded, waving his phone in Eren’s face, as if believing the action would _actually_  allow Eren to read the words on the screen. “It’s all over the internet right now. It’s hilarious, too. I’ve done it like, eight or nine times and it never stops being funny!”

“I don’t think you should encourage him,” Armin Arlert insisted, twisting the spine of his paperback book nervously. “It’s only funny when nobody gets hurt.”

“Oh come on, you did it!” Jean slapped their blond friend in the back, causing him to wince.

“Wait, _you_  did it?” Eren asked incredulously, staring dumbfounded at Armin. “But... it’s so out of character for you.”

“I don’t do well with peer pressure,” Armin insisted, which Eren already knew was true. “Jean can be very persuasive.”

“Oh come on, you _know_  you wanted to give it a try, as well,” Jean insisted with a grin, turning back to Eren. “It’s easy, Kamikaze. You legit just choose a random number, text the sentence, and then post the response online. It’s been going viral all over Tumblr. Some people have even been posting it on Facebook and Instagram. It’s only a matter of time before a talkshow starts to do it. Jimmy Fallon’s all over this kinda shit, he’ll be next to do it and once it gets out that much, it’ll be harder to get a legit response. Everyone’ll know and it’ll just be boring.” Jean thrust his phone into Eren’s face again. “I mean,  _look_  at this bullshit! People are _fucked_ , it’s hilarious!”

“It doesn’t _sound_  hilarious,” Eren insisted, shoving Jean’s phone away from his face in irritation. “It sounds like a pain in the ass. And what if you catch someone who’s, I don’t know, a murderer or something? Then they have your number.”

“Oh lighten up, Eren! It’s just a fucking meme!” Jean threw one arm around his shoulders and tugged him close, grinning from ear to ear like a Cheshire cat. “Do you wanna be the only person in our grade not to do it?”

“Mikasa won’t do it,” he reminded the other dryly, ducking out from under his arm.

“Yeah but, she doesn’t count. Mikasa’s a straight arrow, she won’t step one toe out of line. No one believed I could get Armin to do it, but I did.” Jean seemed particularly proud of himself. “Come _on_ , Eren, don’t be such a stick in the mud! It’s a joke! It’s funny!”

The bell rang, alerting them of the end of lunch break. Jean seemed a little upset he hadn’t succeeded in getting Eren to do as he asked, but the latter knew his friend better than that. The horse wouldn’t stop harassing him until he did it. Maybe he could sic Mikasa on him, Jean never did anything wrong if Mikasa didn’t approve of it.

But he didn’t like hiding behind his sister. And similarly, Jean was right in some respects. This wasn’t really going to hurt anyone, and it was a meme. Hundreds of thousands of people had done it, and so far nothing bad had happened to any of them. It was just an online joke, and the longer he resisted, the more persistent Jean would get.

But still...

Eren took a seat at the back of his English class, pulling out his phone and staring at it. It was one of the newer Iphones, the screen large and frame thin. He’d opted for the white model, only because the only other colour they had left was pink. He didn’t bother with a cover, but he did get a screen protector, not that that had saved his last Iphone. He’d only bought the newer one because it had been impossible to continue to abuse his old, broken screen. The cracks had become impossible to type over so now he was extra cautious with the newer one.

If it had still been his crappy old phone, maybe he wouldn’t hesitate so much. But he couldn’t bring himself to taint his new phone like this. And while he could see Jean’s point of view, he also worried about his own concerns.

Then again, Armin had done it, and if his friend had survived through it, there was no reason for him to be so hesitant, right? Was he over-thinking this?

No, probably not, Eren wasn’t much of a thinker. But then why did this sit badly with him?

Ignoring his teacher at the front of the class, who was droning on about some Shakespeare play, Eren opened Safari on his phone and began browsing the internet to review the meme. It was true, numerous people had done it, and so far he hadn’t seen anyone comment on how something bad had come of it.

Then again, if someone had been killed over this, then they wouldn’t be able to post about the fact that... they had been... killed.

 _Bad idea! **Bad**  idea!_ His brain screamed at him.

No. Eren was smarter than that. He wasn’t going to let Jean trick him into this. Not this time.

He put his phone away.

* * *

**[Horse]**  
chickenshit!  
**[Horse]**  
come ON Eren!  
**[Horse]**  
its not like ur gonna get in trouble!  
**[Horse]**  
its a joke!  
**[Horse]**  
every1s doing it!

 **[Kamikaze]**  
that is the lamest reason you can give me horse  
**[Kamikaze]**  
“everyone is doing it”  
**[Kamikaze]**  
you should join a cult  
**[Kamikaze]**  
you’d fit right in  
  
**[Horse]**  
sfine loser  
**[Horse]**  
u’ll just b the only 1 in class not 2 do it  
**[Horse]**  
tryina save u the humiliation  
**[Horse]**  
tryina b a best bud

Eren glared down at his phone in annoyance, wishing—not for the first time—that he had just walked away from Jean that first day they’d met. Who’d have thought throwing a punch and nailing the asshole in the face would earn his respect and turn them into best friends. Only Jean would find that to be an adequate greeting.

“Moron,” he muttered angrily, beginning to type out a new message.

 **[Kamikaze]**  
why are you so into getting me to do this ANYWAY?  
**[Kamikaze]**  
is there a bet going around on who can get the most people to do it?

 **[Horse]**  
if there is ive already won  
**[Horse]**  
32/57 did it cuza me!

 **[Kamikaze]**  
well done.  
**[Kamikaze]**  
you should write that on your college application.

 **[Horse]**  
ass  
**[Horse]**  
watevs dude ull just b the loser of the grade

 **[Kamikaze]**  
oh no  
**[Kamikaze]**  
how tragic

Seriously, _did_  Jean have a bet going or something? Eren almost wanted to just _do_  it so he’d be left alone. Honestly, he’d past that point hours ago and knew that it was now just stubbornness forcing him not to. Jean wanted him to do it that badly? No way was he going to. That was just how things were with them.

They were like that with television shows, too. If Jean loved a TV show and talked about it incessantly, Eren went out of his way to avoid watching it. This though? This he might cave on to preserve what little sanity he had left.

Tossing his phone aside and turning back to his computer, he once again opened his browser and began scrolling through the hundreds of messages people had posted online. The responses _were_  hilarious, but he still felt like it was a bad idea. He didn’t want a random stranger to have his number.

When his phone went off, he checked it and paused, eying the words on his screen with interest. This was different...

 **[Horse]**  
do it n ill confess 2 mikasa  
**[Horse]**  
scouts honour

Staring down at those words, Eren contemplated the pros and cons of this. He still didn’t want to do it, but if it made Jean confess his love for his sister... Whatever followed such a confession would be worth it. He had no idea how Mikasa would react, but felt like it wouldn’t be in Jean’s favour, and as much as the horse was his friend, it still made him want to cackle like a supervillain.

 **[Kamikaze]**  
so if i do this  
**[Kamikaze]**  
you’ll confess to my sister?

 **[Horse]**  
u need 2 prove it b4 i do  
**[Horse]**  
send me a printscreen and ill confess

 **[Kamikaze]**  
tomorrow  
**[Kamikaze]**  
in person  
**[Kamikaze]**  
or no deal

 **[Horse]**  
ur a sadistic mofo kamikaze  
**[Horse]**  
fine  
**[Horse]**  
deal

He still _really_  didn’t want to do it, but he couldn’t pass up an opportunity like this. It was too perfect.

Letting out a slow breath, he went online and began searching through random sites for a number, half-hoping he would get a landline. Then again, if he did his phone would tell him and he’d have to try again or Jean wouldn’t hold up his end of the deal.

Finding a number and hoping they hadn’t already been pranked, he opened a new message and input the number, typing out the message, then hesitated.

“No big deal, just texting someone about my being a murderer,” he muttered, letting out a slow breath and finally biting the bullet and hitting send.

 **[Kamikaze]**  
okay, i cut it up so it’s not in one piece anymore. will you help me hide the body now?

He threw his phone across the room and onto his bed the second he sent it, regretting it instantly. What if he had just messaged a serial killer?! What if he had messaged a cute little old granny who had a heart attack because of his message?! What if he’d just accidentally killed someone with fright?!

Letting out a loud exclamation of annoyance, he rubbed at his head with both hands before retrieving his phone and hesitantly checking his messages.

No reply.

Letting out a sigh, he print-screened it and sent it to Jean, telling him he better hold up his end of the deal, otherwise Eren would just show Mikasa his text and the cat would be out of the bag either way.

 **[Horse]**  
wat did they reply w/?

 **[Kamikaze]**  
no reply yet  
**[Kamikaze]**  
i swear if i just killed some little old granny...

 **[Horse]**  
relaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaax kamikaze  
**[Horse]**  
u didnt kill ne grannies  
**[Horse]**  
lemme kno the reply yeh?

 **[Kamikaze]**  
sure

Tossing his phone aside, Eren figured it was time for him to start on his homework. Every time his phone went off for the remainder of the night, he felt his heart rate increase drastically. Every time, it was one of his friends. Armin had texted to insist he couldn’t believe he’d also fallen to peer pressure, but the blond seemed happier about it after Eren told him _why_  he had finally agreed.

Tomorrow was going to be a blast.

* * *

“What do you _mean_  he’s out sick?!” Eren demanded angrily, holding Armin by the shoulders and shaking him rather violently.

“E-Eren...” Armin stuttered out, struggling to pull free.

Eren finally let him go when it became clear he was making him uncomfortable. His friend held the wall for support, appearing dizzy, but shook his head to rid himself of the feeling and shrugged.

“Jean probably knew he couldn’t get out of your deal, so he’s delaying it.”

“That _dick_!” Eren insisted angrily, turning to stomp to their homeroom angrily. He’d done his end, why was Jean being a monumental prick and going back on his word?! His mother was _way_  too lenient to be letting him skip school and it pissed Eren off.

“He can’t escape it forever,” Armin insisted, catching up to him quickly. “Today, tomorrow, Monday, it doesn’t matter. He’ll have to do it.”

“Right,” Eren said angrily, feeling a malicious smile force itself onto his face. “I’m going to make him suffer for this.”

“You’re kinda scary, Eren,” Armin said with a small, nervous laugh. “What did they say, anyway?”

“What?” They entered their homeroom, taking their usual seats, which left the one on Eren’s left empty since it belonged to Jean.

“The person you texted. What did they say?”

“Oh.” Eren pulled his phone out and checked the message again. He’d been checking it obsessively since the night before, but so far... “Nothing.”

“That’s weird.”

“Tell me about it.” Eren sighed. “Maybe they were too scared to answer.”

“Maybe,” Armin agreed, their teacher walking in, effectively ending their conversation.

The morning seemed to pass by quickly, the two of them a lot more studious when Jean wasn’t around. Well, really Armin was always studious, but Eren often got distracted by Jean. The days he wasn’t around were always the best days for him intellectually.

He tried texting him at lunch time, wanting to get an answer out of him and demanding he admit he was just playing hooky, but Jean just pretended to actually be sick, which only infuriated him more. By the time seventh period came around, Eren was almost chewing his desk with anger, but he managed to reign it in enough not to damage school property. He was walking his sister to Jean’s place after school to have this happen, he didn’t care if Jean was _actually_  sick! No way was he getting out of this!

“Excuse me, Mr. Hannes?”

Everyone turned to the door when it opened, the principal poking his head in and looking incredibly uncomfortable.

“Yes?” their teacher asked, confused.

“Ah, I need to borrow Eren Jaeger for a moment, please.”

“Sure. Eren?”

Startled and wondering what he’d done wrong, he stood and began heading for the front but the principal told him to gather his belongings. That never boded well and he and Armin shared a concerned look while he packed up his things.

“Don’t tell Mikasa,” he muttered to his friend, thankful she was in another class. He headed for the front of the class and then out into the corridor.

The second he passed the doorway, he knew he was in deep shit.

Standing in front of him was an intimidating looking man in a suit flanked by two police officers. Like, _real_  police officers, with the guns and the uniforms and everything.

“Eren Jaeger?” the man in the suit asked, giving him a slow once-over.

“Yeah...” he said slowly, gripping the strap of his bag tightly and very glad the principal had closed the classroom door. He didn’t need an audience.

“I’m Detective Ackerman with the local police department. Could I have your phone please?”

“My phone?” he asked, still speaking slowly, not entirely sure what was happening. “Why?”

“Eren, just do as he says,” the principal insisted, placing one hand on his shoulder. “I’m sure this is just a misunderstanding.”

Confused, Eren reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone, holding it out to the man in front of him. One of the officers stepped forward with an evidence bag and held it open. Eren stared at him in shock, but obediently dropped his phone into the bag.

“Could you please confirm your phone number?” the detective asked, taking the bag his officer had just sealed shut.

“Uh, what?”

“Your number.”

The authority in that voice forced Eren to respond, reciting his number and shifting his gaze between the three men before him. The principal’s hand on his shoulder was very tight.

“I see. Did you, or did you not, send the following text message.” The detective reached into his pocket to pull out his phone and the second he read the first word, Eren felt all the blood drain from his face.

Shit. The text from yesterday.

He had sent it to a fucking _cop_!

_Jean is a dead man._

* * *

**Present.**

“So you see,” Eren said in conclusion, feeling sweat trickling down his back, “it’s a total misunderstanding. It’s just a meme on the internet. You can look it up, it’s huge! I-I didn’t _kill_  anyone!”

The detective didn’t seem convinced, as if he believed Eren were truly capable of doing heinous things. Like, _really_! Where was Eren going to cut up a body?! Wouldn’t he have blood everywhere in his house? Or his clothes? Or _something_?! Couldn’t they give him a lie detector test?

“I’m telling the truth! I swear!” He turned to his mom, then back to the detective. “It was just a-a stupid prank.”

“Someone being murdered is not a joke, Eren Jaeger,” the man said coldly, eyes narrowing. “You would do well to remember that.”

“Lesson learned,” Eren confirmed, raising both hands in surrender, the cuffs chaffing. His mother had long ago let go of his hand, but probably only because she was so relieved everything was okay. Then again, Mr. Intimidating didn’t seem to be willing to let this go.

“Where were you last night between the hours of ten and eleven?” Levi asked, flipping open a notepad and clicking the end of a pen, then staring intently at Eren.

“I told you, in my room, texting Jean. My whole family can confirm it, I was in there doing homework. I was even on Tumblr at some point!” he motioned the detective, then realized he might lose the finger and hastily let his hand drop. “I was blogging! Check my timestamps!”

“Tumblr has a queue option, do you think I’m an idiot?”

Eren deflated. “I swear, I was at home, in my room. You can check my phone, I was texting Jean right before. He promised he’d confess to my sister if I did the meme thing.”

His mother seemed startled by the revelation that Jean was in love with Mikasa, but Eren ignored her reaction.

A knock at the door interrupted them and when it opened, a tall blond man who looked twice as intimidating as Levi poked his head in. He was smiling though, so Eren hoped it was good news.

“Levi, a word?”

“Excuse me.” Levi stood and headed for the door, leaning out so the two could speak but keeping their voices low so that no one could hear them.

“Eren.” He turned to his mother and winced when she smacked him upside the head. “What were you thinking?!”

“I don’t know!” Eren insisted, rubbing the back of his head and wincing. “Everyone else was doing it.”

This earned him another smack and he winced with pain.

“If everyone else is jumping off a bridge to their deaths, are you going to follow them?! Think before you let Jean drag you into these ridiculous situations!”

“It was just a joke,” Eren muttered, still rubbing his injured head.

His mother was fuming by the time Levi returned to the table. He looked almost annoyed but just pulled a set of keys out and motioned for Eren to hold out his hands. He did so, the detective removing his handcuffs. The teen rubbed at his sore wrists, feeling uncomfortable, but he didn’t move until the detective told him he could.

“Story checks out, so we’re letting you go. But we’re going to be monitoring your phone, and you’ll be seeing quite a lot of me, Eren Jaeger. I hope you’re ready for the consequences of your actions.”

“Yeah,” he muttered. That got him the most terrifying look he had ever seen. He suddenly understood what people meant when they said ‘if looks could kill’ and quickly amended his statement. “Uh, I mean yes sir!”

“You’re free to go. I’ll see you around, Mr. Jaeger.”

Jean was a fucking _dead man_!

**END.**

**Author's Note:**

> Jean's shit texting broke my brain.


End file.
